I’m tired of being afraid. Afraid of life, afraid of future, afraid of change. Most of all I am afraid to think, do, try. I need to change, nothing will change until I do. I know this, I know. But right now, I’m emotionally closed off, nothings moves me or interests me anymore. I feel like I’ve lost all the magic that has lived inside me and now I am empty.
"There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse.”
- Fleur Adcock
This is exactly how I feel right now. It’s nearly seven o’clock in the morning and I still can’t go to sleep. I just want to curl up like this forever and never come out. Self-imposed isolation, always.
Susan Cain: The power of introverts (TED talk)
But introverts, you being you, you probably have the impulse to guard very carefully what’s inside your own suitcase. And that’s okay. But occasionally, just occasionally, I hope you will open up your suitcases for other people to see, because the world needs you and it needs the things you carry. So I wish you the best of all possible journeys and the courage to speak softly.
I loved this talk and I loved her book (Quiet: The Power of Introverts), I often find myself wanting to quote her while trying to explain to the others (friends, family, strangers) why I am the way I am, even though I really shouldn’t have to do that.
But hey, that is the extrovert-oriented world we live in, one where we constantly have to justify our thought process, our feelings and behavior. Therefore, it means so much more to me that there is someone out there to speak up for me (for us), to articulate what I cannot. That introversion is not something to be cured, it is not an illness or a disease, an unfortunate trait of a character or something that needs to be worked on, that not everybody is or should be striving to become an extrovert.
On the contrary, I prize my introversion, I love it, it makes me who I am, it gives me my best qualities, I revel in it and never, ever want to be rid of it. I don’t mean to say that extroversion is undesirable, not at all, all my friends are extroverts (or at least somewhere near it on the spectrum) , and I love them for it, we balance each other out perfectly, and there are so many extroverted qualities I admire in them. All I’m trying to say is, you have to love who you are - how you feel, think, behave.
Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, or maybe something else entirely, it does not matter in the least, either way you are wonderful and important to the world.
Adore this photo (by Lukasz Wierzbowski).
It makes me think of my Grandma, who taught me so much.
To appreciate and to love people, but to stand on my own two feet, to always be kind and loyal, compassionate and generous.
She taught me the importance of honesty and hard work, taught me that anything is possible in life and to never, ever lose hope in the face of adversity (even though, she herself has been continuously struggling with depression).
She instilled in me a love of literature, poetry and most of all, love of all things, much like herself, beautiful, warm and fragile.
I have yet to meet a person kinder, gentler and lovelier than her.